Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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