i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
