I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
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The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
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I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Bring me that man meat
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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