Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
