This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
