I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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