brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
