Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
