woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
