Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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