i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
