she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
