Betty ford says i'm here all night
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize