Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
