It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My vagina is officially offended.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
