I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
