I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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