I wanna bring you to show and tell
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
