Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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