I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
