thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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