I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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