wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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