My nipple is on Facebook.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
