She is in my trunk
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
