she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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