Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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