Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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