I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
