Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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