The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Randomize
