dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
