I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
As shirtless as possible
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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