I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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