The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
