I could make wine with my vomit
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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