she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
