I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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