We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
