apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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