Swine flu is the new snow day.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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