I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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