i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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