I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Let's get the cat blown out
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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