before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
