I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
