Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
50% drunk capacity currently
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
