The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
