"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
