Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i barfeds in our rink
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
