Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
