I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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