So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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