my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
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