I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
